Dear Quentin,
My best friends tell the story about when they met. He was her teaching assistant at university and he noticed her right from the start. He asked her out several times, but she turned him down. My friend is a die-hard feminist. When she finally agreed, she said she would go out on a date with him but that she would pay her own way. His response? “Great! Then we can do twice as many things.”
They only got married because he got a job at a teen summer camp that would not hire someone who was “living in sin.” So they had a small ceremony at their home with a few close friends and their sheepdogs. Throughout the marriage, they have shared all of the expenses of running the home, buying groceries and furniture, and paying for holidays. They each have their own investment accounts. I have never known two more happy people than these two.
I personally pay my share at the beginning of every relationship, simply because there is still the male societal expectation that women are like pop dispensers: You put in some money, and you get what you want as a result. At least, that’s how I see it. When you start out paying for yourself, you are telling the person you’re going out with that that value judgment is off the table, and that there is no expectation when the date is over.
Who do you think should pay?
Admiring Friend and Occasional Dater
Related: ‘This guy grifted me hard’: My date chose an exclusive L.A. restaurant. After dinner, he accepted my credit card — and we split a $ 600 bill. Shouldn’t he have paid?
“Choosing a partner is potentially the biggest financial decision you will ever make in your life, especially if you eventually divorce. So make that decision wisely.”
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Dear Admiring,
If a man asks a woman out on a date and he chooses the restaurant, he should at least offer to pay. If a man asks another man out on a date and he chooses the restaurant, he should at least offer to pay. If a woman asks another woman out on a date and she chooses the restaurant, she should at least offer to pay. And if a woman asks a man out on a date and she chooses the restaurant, she should at least offer to pay.
If their date says, “No, let’s go Dutch,” fine.
If their date says, “Thank you, that’s very nice of you,” and lets the person who asked pay, that’s OK too. I feel particularly strongly about this if the person asking chooses a very expensive restaurant. You can’t expect everyone to fork out $ 100 or $ 200 or more for a meal. If you do, you’re living in a bubble and you’re not taking the other person’s feelings into consideration, and that’s a red flag.
Of course, some people — like this woman — expect their partner to pay for everything. And some men don’t even want their wives to work. Other people say they want to go to an office to get away from their partner. What does this tell us? Not a lot, really, except to say that if everyone felt the same about working and paying for dinner, the world would be a very dull place.
I heard another “meet cute” story recently about two people who met on a night out. She gave him her phone number, but he never called. So she thought, “We had a great night. I’ll find him and ask him why he never called.” He lived in another city, and she tracked him down through his work and sent him a letter. Turns out, he had lost her number. They’re now married with three kids.
Everybody has a different level of expectation and confidence, and a person who has strong principles about paying their way, like your friend, should find a romantic match who appreciates and supports that. Choosing a partner is potentially the biggest financial decision you will make in your life, especially if you eventually divorce. So make that decision wisely.
Who pays on the first date, and the consideration and respect that they show for their partner’s decision, is a good guide for how the relationship will progress. Here’s an experiment: Bring your date to a restaurant with slow service, and then sit back and see how they react. You may learn a lot about how that person operates under pressure if things don’t go their way.
More columns by Quentin Fottrell:
‘I want to meet someone rich. Is that so wrong?’ I’m 46, earn $ 210,000, and own a $ 700,000 home. I’m tired of dating ‘losers.’
My dinner date ‘forgot’ his wallet and took the receipt for his taxes. Should I have called him out for being cheapskate?
‘I spend $ 600 a month taking women out for dinner and drinks’: Does the man always have to pick up the check on a first date?
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.
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