It makes sense to avoid conversations about money when they arise because of money problems. Who wants to argue, let alone about money?
Dodging a dispute with your partner about a problem with money is not the same as avoiding money conversations altogether. There are many reasons why this stonewalling might be happening. Perhaps a spouse is a financial abuser or is committing financial infidelity. Or maybe your partner could be a “money avoider.”
Money-avoiders often see money as a force that stirs fear, anxiety or disgust. The extent to which such feelings cause them to put their heads in the sand can improve over time, but some marriages cannot wait. Help is needed now.
Money avoidance can derive from several factors:
Psychological factors: Money avoidance can be linked to underlying psychological issues such as anxiety, depression or trauma. For some individuals, dealing with money triggers feelings of shame, guilt, or inadequacy, which can be overwhelming and lead to avoidance behaviors.
Lack of financial literacy: Many people may feel overwhelmed by financial matters simply because they lack the knowledge and skills to manage their money effectively. Many of us graduated having learned the Pythagorean theorem but not how to build our credit scores. This can lead to feelings of confusion and helplessness, which can lead to avoidance.
Fear of making mistakes: Some people may avoid dealing with money because they fear making mistakes, such as overspending, taking on too much debt, or making poor investment decisions. Women disproportionately show lower levels of financial confidence, which can manifest into fear so paralyzing it can prevent them from taking any action.
Procrastination and personal values and beliefs could also be reasons for money avoidance.
“ The financial consequences of money avoidance are costly. ”
The financial consequences of money avoidance are costly. Research has indicated that disordered money behaviors such as financial denial, financial rejection, underspending, and excessive risk aversion may result from money-avoidant money scripts.
In other words, money avoidance creates unpleasant feelings that lead to bad financial decisions rather than making financial decisions that make us feel happier and more secure.
Whatever the reason, experts recommend specific strategies to talk to your partner about money, including speaking openly, honestly, regularly and proactively about money.
Our bodies will experience physical changes while amid a stressful conversation about money. Our heart rate increases and our temperature changes. In these moments, we need to be particularly mindful of what we are saying and be willing to take a break if the conversation becomes overwhelming.
Understanding our own relationship with money, let alone our partner’s, can be complicated. Hiring a financial therapist could be a way for couples who can’t find a way to have productive and transparent conversations about finances.
Whether you and your partner can talk between yourselves or need professional help, what’s clear is that refusing to talk about money can only end badly for the both of you.
Brian Page is the founder of Modern Husbands, which provides men with advice about money, marriage and family matters.
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