Dear Quentin,
I have lived with my boyfriend in my home for over 20 years. We never married, and I have three siblings. I also own another condo in the Caribbean, which I paid for myself.
My boyfriend inherited a home from his dad in the South and a large sum of money, just over $ 700,000. We just got back from this inherited home. He is still deciding if he/we should keep it.
I owe $ 86,000 on my current home, and my boyfriend pays me $ 500 a month rent and he pays the electric and cable bill. We also mutually share groceries. I appreciate all his financial help.
“ ‘His ex-wife will get half of his pension and Social Security in Connecticut. I will not receive that as we were never married.’ ”
I am 65 and get a monthly pension of $ 800 and receive $ 1,800 Social Security every month.Together, we own three condos. I have no savings, and own two properties.
He is divorced with six adult grown children. I have only met two of his children out of the six. For some reason, he does not want to get involved with their cookouts and parties etc.
He is close with his children, and speaks to his ex-wife on the holidays as needed about any of the children and grandchildren. We always travel alone. His children never travel with us.
His ex-wife will get half of his pension and Social Security in Connecticut. I will not receive that as we were never married. What should I do financially to secure my future?
Should I ask him to pay off my condo balance of $ 86,000, and promise to leave the condo to him rather than my siblings in my will?
He does not want to get married, for some reason; he was married once and he said he does not want to do it again.
The Girlfriend
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Dear Girlfriend,
Your offer assumes that you will predecease your boyfriend, and that is not a given. If you do not die before he does, he is essentially giving you $ 86,000 because (a) partners should help each other out, (b) he has newfound wealth and he should spread it around, and/or (c) it’s not fair that he should have all of this dough landing in his bank account when you have had to scrimp and save all of these years. It has a faint ring of that school-days refrain, “If you give me one of your sweets, I’ll be your best friend.” In this case, you already are his best friend. So there’s no upside there.
You have been together for 20 years and you never married. The reason for that may be at least partly related to your respective financial affairs. Your boyfriend has a lot of financial responsibilities, one home (at least he had one home before his latest windfall), children, and an ex-wife, while you have two homes, and are free of your partner’s other financial burdens. He also pays you $ 500 rent every month, which was obviously a convenient arrangement for both of you. But it seems late in the day to draw a line connecting his financial future, that of his ex-wife’s and your own.
Sometimes, it’s good to ask for help. People often want to help, and it’s a privilege to help out a loved one. But to ask him for a chunk of his inheritance to pay off your home, especially when you have another condo in the Caribbean that you could sell, seems bad timing at best, and opportunistic at worst, which brings us back to the “I’ll be your best friend” sentiment. You are effectively asking your boyfriend for something with nothing in return. By not marrying, you have kept your finances separate. You have gotten this far on your own. There is a lot to be said for that.
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