Dear Quentin,
A few years ago, my wife’s cousin stayed with us for about six weeks while she was going through the hiring process at my company. It was the longest six weeks of my life. She pretty much sat on the couch and never moved a finger to help around the house — even to pick up after herself. Never once did this relative buy groceries or treat us to a meal. It has caused a lot of tension in our marriage.
In March 2020, we agreed to have the same cousin’s family — aunt, uncle, sister and her two children — stay with us. Susan, the cousin, lives in a one-bedroom apartment and has no room to host them. (Yes, she has paid $ 1,100 a month for the last 11-plus years. That’s another story about lost equity opportunities.) The day they were to arrive was the day that America shut down due to COVID-19.
“‘My wife essentially provided a maid service to our guests, and it has become too much for me to bear.’”
Even though they had just driven 1,400 miles and been in contact with numerous people during their three-day drive, we still welcomed them. For seven days we had no choice but to have them at our house. I was an “essential worker” during the pandemic, and had no choice but to go to work. That was a mixed blessing. My wife took five days of vacation because we have two children.
Long story short: We saw the same behavior from these relatives. My wife essentially provided a maid service to our guests, and it has become too much for me to bear. I spoke to my wife about asking them to help pitch in, but she refused to speak up, so I bit my tongue during their entire visit. Fast forward to 2023: This marked the fourth year that we’ve opened our home to my wife’s family.
My parents visit every other month (they live 200 miles away), and during every visit they offer to take us out to dinner, and clean up after themselves. They’ll wash dishes and tell us to sit down and relax. They never leave a mess. Why can’t my wife’s aunt, uncle and cousins be more like that? Their vacations should not cost us money, or create more work for us.
How do I tell them that we won’t be hosting them this year?
Not a Vrbo
Also read: ‘I feel used’: My partner stays with me 5 nights a week, even though he owns his own home. Should he pay for utilities and food?
Dear Not a Vrbo,
You can’t be liked by everyone, and it’s OK not to like certain people.
It starts with bad guests, and ends up with a car salesman who pushes you into overpaying for a jalopy. If you allow people to push you around, it won’t only cost you your peace of mind, it will take time out of your life — the most precious commodity we have, more valuable than gold, diamonds or pork chops. And, as you have discovered, it will also cost you money.
Once bitten, twice shy. Four bites? You’ve either caught bed bugs, or you’ve volunteered for too much punishment from these guests. But you have volunteered. You and your wife need to make a pact: You’re a team, you own a home together, and you both have families, but if one of you has an extended family that refuses to behave well, you need a unanimous vote to greenlight those guests in future.
There’s a big difference between hosting parents/in-laws and hosting aunts, uncles and cousins, especially ones that seem to think that your home is a responsibility-free zone. You’re not a five-star hotel. You’re not Disneyland DIS, -0.65%. Your role is not to cook and entertain and pretend like you don’t know that underneath the familiar, happy-go-lucky, smiling relative “masks” are a bunch of virtual strangers.
“‘It starts with bad guests, and ends up with a car salesman who pushes you into overpaying for a jalopy.’”
You don’t know these people. Not really. If you did, you would welcome them with open arms. You keep inviting them and expecting them to behave differently. Based on your repeated attempts to change this reality, I can only assume that a small, even a tiny, part of you, likes to get annoyed with them and/or you are afraid of what might happen if you tell them it’s not possible for them to stay.
Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean. “It doesn’t work for us this year.” Why? “We’ve got too much going on.” Why is that? “Because we’re just too busy.” Why? “We’ve got too much going on.” Stick to stock responses, put them in the spin cycle, and rinse and repeat. Pushy people know they’re pushy. That’s the point. It’s not about your comfort level, it’s about their ability to get what they want.
“‘You’re not being held hostage by your hosts, you’re being held hostage by your own unwillingness to set a clear boundary.’”
The time has come for (a) you and your wife to get on the same page (one person should always have the right to veto badly behaved guests) and (b) speak up for yourself. This is not about their stinginess and messiness, or thoughtfulness — that’s their business — it’s about your needs: “I need to have the house to ourselves this summer.” Why? “Because we’re too busy.” Why? “We’ve got too much going on.”
As one member of the Moneyist Facebook Group META, +0.14% wrote: “My aunt had the same problem with her in-laws. My grandparents were obsessed with their image and wanted our family to look perfect, and warned her about what they would say to other people about her. My aunt responded: “At this point, I am perfectly fine with being the villain in their stories. Being nice got me nowhere!”
It’s time to change your thinking. You’re not being held hostage by your hosts, you’re being held hostage by your own unwillingness to set a clear boundary — and stick to it. The responsibility here lies with you, and not with your wife’s relatives. It’s your job to tell people what your needs are in situations such as this. They can respect those needs or not, but the end result is the same.
You will have a guest-free house this summer.
“Pushy people know they’re pushy. That’s the point. It’s not about your comfort level, it’s about their ability to get what they want.”
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More from Quentin Fottrell:
Am I cheap?’ I used to give my nieces and nephews $ 100 gift cards, but I left my job in tech for a stress-free life. Is $ 25 insulting?
‘How to travel for free’: I spent $ 500 hosting my friend for a week. Should she have paid for food and utilities?
‘He’s content living paycheck to paycheck’: My husband won’t work or get a driver’s license. Now things have gotten even worse.